Arachnids
by Metal Butter
Summary: Panic in Team Seven-it was a ferocious battle. Ferocious indeed.


Sasuke warily looked at the creature staring at him with beady eyes. It bared its scimitar-like fangs dripping with venomous poison. Then it inched towards him, its hairy legs making muffled sounds each time they touched the ground. The front legs looked like fuzzy vomit, and the back legs were decidedly a dried-blood black.

Its body was brown, and its head was covered in scars that even Kabuto would turn away from. The flesh on its face looked like it had been chopped with a spoon, smothered with blood, then left to dry. More hair littered the creature's multiple pairs of eyes, making it look even more sinister.

Sasuke felt the adrenaline rising in him in the form of bile. He knew what he wanted to do with that adrenaline—he wanted to get the hell out of there. The monster had already incapacitated Sakura(not a hard thing to do), paralyzing her with shock at the first glance. She had screamed, a horrible, panicked wail, which had alerted Naruto(who had been raiding Sasuke's fridge).

Naruto had promptly yelled for Sasuke, then dragged their pink-haired teammate to the nearest piece of furniture available(which was the couch), where he quickly and efficiently constructed a fort of light and durable building material(cushions). He also set up various traps around the fort, just in case. These traps denied the Uchiha access to the fort, not that Naruto hadn't thought about that.

(Sasuke had caught a sparkle in Naruto's eye when the latter had yelled encouragement at him, right before pulling out numerous exploding tags and a quantity of ninja wire and setting them in various places around the makeshift hideout. It was quite obvious, really. _Revenge for the last spar wherein you kicked me repeatedly in the crotch_, the sparkle had promised gleefully. _Also, even though I said I'd back you up, I will leave you to fend for yourself while I cuddle with Sakura in my safe, safe fort. Which, may I add, is located on your couch_.)

And so, Sasuke was forced to deal with the problem. Damn that Naruto, sneaky little fox, although Sasuke would admit to himself, he was, frankly, impressed.

But he was not happy.

He wanted to be cuddled(preferably by Naruto—wait, where the hell did _that _come from?) while somebody else dealt with the monster. Not exactly an example of Konoha's Will of Fire, but Will of Fire wouldn't work when you had this abomination in front of you, would it?

And besides, wasn't he given the Uchiha's Curse of Hatred?

The raven, caught in his own musings, had apparently forgotten the monster that started this whole mess. It did not take kindly to being ignored, and decided to—he always shuddered when he thought of it after—_touch him_.

-panic!

Sasuke barely managed to suppress the high-pitched squeal that was itching to rip from his throat as the—the _Thing_, as it was now dubbed(but why would he be thinking of names at a time like this)—tried to crawl up his leg.

(. . . was Naruto guffawing in the background?)

The furiously heated battle between Sasuke and the _Thing_ lasted for days, nights, and weeks, it seemed to him, and when finally, _finallyfinallyfinally_, he regained his bearings, shoved it off him,(_ohgrossohgrossohgross)_ and thought of which method he would use (_itpoisonedmeandnowI'mgonnadiediedie)_, he still had the sense to realize that his most powerful fire jutsu would probably destroy his apartment and get everyone in it killed.

_But the _Thing _would be dead too, though,_ his darker side supplied. Sasuke's fingers were eager to form just three seals, then—

He would normally have no qualms with using his weapons but he would rather live without remembering this event every time he used a specific weapon.

His hands were out of the question. Enough said.

Sasuke settled for squashing the spider under his sandal, although he knew that he'd have to burn it in a great big bonfire, just the way he liked it, just in case the evil spider blood left over would contaminate him. Not to forget, the carpet would have to be replaced.

-panic?

Naruto almost peed himself laughing("Sasu—Sasuke was jumping around with a—aha—sp-spider on his leg! Ahahaha! Oh—oh my—AHAHAHA!") and Sakura bopped him on the head and scolded him("Oh, like you did anything to help!"), although her inner self was disappointed at being paralyzed during the face-off.

Sasuke remained stoic.

(He was already plotting revenge.)

-omake

Naruto went home still laughing. People stared at him like he had grown fifteen pink tails out of his armpit.

As he reached home, he then realized that he really did need to pee, as the writer had not been exaggerating in the last few paragraphs.

He then ran up the stairs and opened the bathroom door to see-what else could it have been?-a spider.

He did not think it was funny this time around.

-owari

A~N: Fancy writing style. You like?

And yes, Shino is not brought into this. Why not? Spiders are not insects, as I suspect you already know.

Review. Please. For the sake of the (insert fictional name of foundation dedicated to killing spiders here).

Lastly, I do not condone arachnid abuse of any sort, and do not own Naruto. (No seriously, I just run away from spiders.)


End file.
